my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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