Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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