Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
