you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
