they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
