found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
