Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
