He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This baby is an asshole
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
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