I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"