I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Less talking, more tequila
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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