A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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