It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
