Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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