I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
