I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
