I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
