I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
