I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
