Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
