I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
