my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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