Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
