Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
