do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
