Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
