Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
