I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
