She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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