I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
