The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
