I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
