you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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