I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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