My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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