I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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