Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
