if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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