She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
