i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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