i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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