if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.