Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
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