the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
