i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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