1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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