i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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