I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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