I think my fart just growled at me.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
