I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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