I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
