Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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