For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize