I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
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It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize