He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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