come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
